Intimate relationship is somewhat like an intricate, complex dance, with many couples experiencing the pain of crushed toes, poor co-ordination, bruised egos and abrupt departures from the dance floor. Each new relationship brings with it a new piece of music, a new set of dance steps and a new level of complexity, yet we persist.
How useful would it be to have a clear set of guidelines and step by step coaching in applying these guidelines to your particular dance? To be assured that these guidelines are quite simple and straight forward? Absolutely, you say!
How prepared would you be to put in the effort, time and commitment it takes to build (or re-build) a vibrant, healthy, rewarding relationship….oh….that sounds like work….!! Well, healthy relationship does take work, but what if the work begins to feel like playing, having fun, connecting deeply with your mate? Knowing that every day when you go out into the world, someone has your back? Imagine receiving a text that says how much you are loved, regarded and valued. Imagine having a best friend in whom you can trust; who knows you deeply for all your vulnerabilities, fears, hopes, dreams and strengths. Who validates you.
“So where can I get one of those?” you say. Well start with the one you have and practice these new dance steps:
How useful would it be to have a clear set of guidelines and step by step coaching in applying these guidelines to your particular dance? To be assured that these guidelines are quite simple and straight forward? Absolutely, you say!
How prepared would you be to put in the effort, time and commitment it takes to build (or re-build) a vibrant, healthy, rewarding relationship….oh….that sounds like work….!! Well, healthy relationship does take work, but what if the work begins to feel like playing, having fun, connecting deeply with your mate? Knowing that every day when you go out into the world, someone has your back? Imagine receiving a text that says how much you are loved, regarded and valued. Imagine having a best friend in whom you can trust; who knows you deeply for all your vulnerabilities, fears, hopes, dreams and strengths. Who validates you.
“So where can I get one of those?” you say. Well start with the one you have and practice these new dance steps:
- Next time you are unhappy with your mate, raise your complaint or concern with them in a softer, more gentle manner. Research now clearly shows that going in hard and harsh just
leads to a quick escalation of tension, not fruitful resolution. Essentially, how you start is highly indicative of how it will end. - Communicate acceptance of your mate, even when raising a complaint, for example, rather than “….you lazy slob, I’m sick of picking your dirty washing up off the floor when the laundry
basket is right there!! Are you blind or just stupid!!” perhaps said softly and gently,” Honey, I don’t really understand why you don’t use the laundry hamper, but I find it really frustrating that you leave your stuff on the floor….”said gently, could potentially lead to a much more productive outcome. - Avoid name calling and insults. Such disrespect and contempt for your mate and they to you is one of the most clear indicators of a relationship headed for failure.
- Deal with only one issue or complaint at a time or you run the risk of shutting down your mate. When shut down or flooding occurs, your mate can no longer hear you and simply wants to get away from you.
- Make time at the end of each day to touch base and debrief about what’s happened. This creates a sense of interest and intimacy between you that deepens your bond.
- When your mate makes an attempt to repair your connection following discord, receive it gracefully. The research shows clearly that rejected repair attempts are one sign of a failing relationship.
Every relationship has its own unique dynamics and potential. Why not accept the challenge to make yours the best it can be and dance with the stars.
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